Since the last issue two weeks ago, the Billy Bulletin team have spent their time at Palatinate’s remote underground lab, performing experiments to see if dogs can be taught to craft amusing Durham-specific student life satire. I’m delighted to tell you it’s been a roaring success, I’m a Doberman writing this right now. Woof.
Although being cut off from society in the lab has meant we’re not up to date with the state of things in Durham; but we assume everything is fine, clubs are opening up, and that nothing’s descended into chaos. Right guys? Regardless, here are the headlines …
Student announces on Facebook they are a fashion show model
This year I’m modelling for DUSUFS (Durham University Speed Up Fashion Show) in SUPPORT of the Brunch Trust.
Our AIM and VISION is to raise awareness and increase accessibility for those unable to access avo on toast and almond coffees daily.
Donate as little as £50 to provide someone with one flat white.
SPEED // UP // FASHION ● Anon.
Student kitchen so full of bacteria it is declared ‘Site of Special Scientific Interest’
A Durham student’s kitchen has become so neglected its developed into a natural habitat for various bacteria, flora and fauna.
A world-leader in bacterial research visited the site, but only lasted ten seconds inside before the smell caused him to barf, and he immediately ran to the nearest private clinician to request nose removal surgery.
Once his nose had been fully cremated and respects paid to it, the scientist returned to the kitchen to examine its ecosystem: “I don’t know how, but plant and animal life has significantly evolved here in the last nine months, the likes of which took the earth billions of years. I mean, are those deer over there?’
The kitchen was later given SSSI status in a monumental victory for nature, but a crushing defeat for the professional cleaners at the end of the tenancy. ● Ben Lycett
Student requests to change colleges after extortionate ball ticket price
Many students can relate to the rush of waiting for ball tickets to be released, grabbing a ticket, and then celebrating with your friends.
One student, however, has expressed the shock and disappointment at the prices of balls this year: ‘I’ve heard of inflation, but the ticket prices are almost as big as my student loan! I requested to change college in an attempt to get a better deal, similar to changing car insurance providers when one offers you a better price.’
Unfortunately, it has been confirmed that the student’s request to change college has been denied on the grounds that, ‘the reasoning is not extenuating circumstances.’
Many students are reporting similar scenes of debt collectors knocking on their doors after forking out for a ball ticket, for some the only viable option is changing college. We can only hope the university soon considers this as a serious issue. ● Alesia Fiddler
Image: Ben Lycett