Alleged ‘zombie invasion’ actually hungover students going to 9am lectures

Earlier this morning, reports emerged of an apocalyptic army of the undead marching toward the University campus, with some of them heard to be moaning the word ‘brains’. However, concerned citizens were relieved to find out the flock of pale-faced figures trudging to the site were actually just bleary-eyed students reluctantly attending their 9am lectures. Palatinate was told the reason they were muttering ‘brains’ was due to the pounding headaches they were experiencing after a particularly disorderly ‘Players Wednesday’. The all-clear came in the nick of time for the campus security guard, who had been worried he would need to face a terrifying onslaught alone: “Thankfully they were just tired-looking students, I was lucky I’d only gunned down a couple of them by that point.”

The potential invasion was initially reported by a passer-by who thought they’d seen a ghoulish figure devouring a brain on their walk through the town centre. In reality, the ‘brain’ was really student’s breakfast, a solid mound of mince, because it was the only thing left in their fridge after they drunkenly inhaled its contents when they got in at 3am.

As it turns out, there had been one actual zombie on the loose in Durham, going around devouring the brains of Geography students. Although, nobody has reported changes in any of the geographers’ behaviour or cognitive abilities.


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