EXCLUSIVE: Satire’s (fake) headline roundup

Looking for a one-stop-shop for all the latest headlines? Well, look no further, satire is here to help…

Student theatre production ‘LFT and me’ nominated for Palme d’Or prize

This prestigious award at the Cannes film festival is an outstanding achievement for student theatre — reviewers say the production is “thrilling and suspenseful” and a “love story that will take your breath away”. The popularity of the production among students is said to be due to a policy meaning they all had to go to see it at least 48 hours before they did any other University activity.

Conservatives book Jimmys for work event

Jimmy Allen’s will be closed to the public this week due to a government work event. One MP claimed that the Woodgates help them “think seriously about issues,” like “where are my keys?” and “who has a cig I could borrow?” A further MP commented that ‘Angels’ by Robbie Williams is “an absolute tune.”

Delighted to announce student causes UK wide LinkedIn system crash

This came after the student posted of their 32 spring insight weeks, 25 vacation schemes and 18 job offers, including, but not limited to: all magic circle law firms, their dad’s friend of a friend’s investment bank and a handful of consulting firms. Congrats to them!

New political party on the scene

New party. This Sunday. Same place as usual (Boris’ newly built basement club beneath Downing Street). Downing Street this Sunday. Positive Covid test required for entry. Also, no snitches allowed. You know what they say: snitches get a stern telling off.

Creator of the study space booking system awarded OBE

The honours were rightly awarded for ‘outstanding contribution to public efficiency and technical progress’.

Don’t look up

Student left unable to look above desk level after working on laptop for 120 hours straight.

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