An updated, honest, satirical review of the Durham Colleges
By Mya Downing
Congratulations! You have received an offer from Durham! Now it is time for probably the most important decision you will make at the university: which college will you choose? Bailey or Hill? Catered or Self-Catered? Or perhaps none of the above options and a completely rogue choice: Hild Bede? To help you out, here is an updated, somewhat satirical, guide to the undergraduate colleges, as voiced through one girl’s opinion. Choose wisely…
South: You guys give cat energy. You are independent, self-catered, clean and cool. You don’t need anyone to look after you and you come and go as you please. Plus, you guys are hot. Like a dark and mysterious, brooding if you will, hot. I don’t think I have ever met anyone who was unattractive from South. Again, cat energy. My only issue would be your vibes can sometimes be a little soulless – all that perfection and cleanliness gives very little character to your accommodation. In being hot, there is very little pizazz – get ready for perfect but dull. But then again, you get double beds and ensuites, so I guess you do win some.
John Snow: Who are you? Do you exist? The only time I have ever ventured out there was when I got lost on the Durham bus network and ended up on Mount Oswald. And trust me, I would never want to go there again. I have never stepped foot in the college and nor do I plan on doing so. Irrelevance be thy name, John Snow.
Stephenson: (aka Stevo) B-tec Butler. Next. (On review, this may have been a slightly harsh analysis. The one thing I will say is this. Yes, you are not fully ensuite, and yes you are named after some train guy BUT your bar is, in my opinion, the prettiest out of all the colleges. The best kept secret in Durham and arguably worth the trek up the hill. I promise you, you will love it. There. I have said it. I will now prepare for the Butlerite onslaught).
Josephine Butler: (aka Jobo) See at this point, someone may accuse me of bias. Because how can this place not be my favourite. It is my heart, my home and my entire life in Durham. Butler is just it. We are sporty, we can cook, we are entirely ensuite and we have the biggest bar out of any of the colleges. What is there not to love? Potentially, our one flaw, some may argue, is the walk up to the top of the hill. But it is exercise and what are Tesco deliveries for if not for delivering your shopping to your door? All I can say is, come to Butler, you will love it as much as we all do here. Just don’t call it Jobo. Whatever you do. Don’t call us Jobo.
St Cuthbert’s: (aka Cuths) There is no other way of putting it: You’re cool. Yeah, you don’t have gowns and okay, you’re a ‘’society’’, not a college, (so quirky!) but you’re cool. The best fashion in Durham comes from Cuths people and I am jealous of your style. Cuths people are the Durham influencers. Influencers show off their fits in Bali, Durham shows them off in Cuths. However – do beware – when I say you’re cool, I am only talking of Bailey Cuths. Prison, sorry Parsons, Cuths is like John Snow but even more irrelevant, if that is even possible. Where are you? Who are you? The person I feel sorriest for in the whole of Durham is the Cuths girlie who thought they would get to live in a cute house on the Bailey but ended up in Prisons. You truly have my greatest sympathies. Other than that, good luck applying here!
St John’s: You are stereotyped as the religious college. Yeah, okay, I guess there are some religious undertones, but, maybe it is the theological side of my degree which makes me say this, this is not overtly true. However, you are small, with the TINIEST bar out of any college. I tried to get in once for a bar crawl, queued for 20 minutes, gave up and hopped next door to 24s instead. But you have money! And free formals, and free laundry, which is more than I can say for any other college. Like the rest of the Bailey, you are steeped in tradition. Yet you don’t tend to be the ones who are most frequently seen in Loft on a Monday, Babs on a Friday, or Jimmies any other day of the week. I get it, you’re studious. Or maybe it all ties back into the religious thing. Nonetheless, I can still say I am jealous of your riverside views from the bar garden and dining hall.
St Chad’s: Like a non-religious Johns, but you have more shared rooms. Basically everyone in first year has to share. Do with that what you will, but I prefer my own room with an ensuite (again, thank you Butler). Plus, you guys have to empty out your rooms whenever wedding season comes around, which is often since Chads is the Durham wedding venue. Then again, the Cassiday Quad is a very pretty place for a bar, your gardens are quite sweet, and you have seven libraries (seven more than Butler!). I guess that’s what happens when you can’t study in your own room. But be careful applying here: you will most likely get reallocated. Chads is tiny. Even if you are provisionally allocated here, there is no guarantee you’ll get it. More than likely you won’t. Just make sure you are happy with the Hill colleges on your list, because you’ll most likely end up there (bar Collingwood and Mary’s). If Oxbridge is what you are looking for, look no further than Chads. But like Oxbridge, it comes with the poshest of all Tories. Although, even they cannot rival those in the next two colleges.
University College: (aka Castle) I’ll admit. There is nothing cooler than living and eating in a Castle. However, do you guys really live in the Castle? No, you don’t. You’re typically tucked around some corner in a tired old house with no working heating in central Durham (I’m looking at you, moatside). Though your dining hall is your selling point, and, yes, it is fabulous, I have had many a free weekend brunch in there, so there is no need to be part of Castle to enjoy its luxury and benefits. Plus, you guys are posh. And that’s rich coming from me. I know I’m posh: I’m your typical Durham South London girl. But you guys are posh posh. Too many rahs and daddy’s monies for me to ever enjoy my time in this college. But if suffering poor quality housing and the highest echelons of British boarding school society is what you will endure to simply say you live in a castle, I wish you all the best.
Hatfield: (aka Tw*tfield) I am sure you guys can understand what the aka means without me having to spell it out. Yet, I still think it is a little harsh on Hatfield. The college is lovely, with one of the best locations out of any of the Durham colleges. It has a fabulous dining hall, spacious bar, and onsite netball courts. What more could you ask for? It is a real shame its students let it down. By now, I am sure you are aware, even before applying to Durham, that Hatfield is synonymous with the poshest of all Tories. They are far worse than those in Castle. At least Castlemen are nice. Hatfielders have daddy’s money, went to one of the most prestigious boarding schools in the country (probably ‘’Welly’’), summer in their home in the south of France and spend their ski season in their chalet in the Swiss Alps, and my Lord, won’t they tell you about it. But, if you can get over that, it is quite a nice college. Just don’t be a northerner or not a millionaire – one of my friends got spat on while walking past Hatfield because they found out she was a Geordie.
Mary’s: The bridge between Bailey and Hill. Mary’s is a college that should have been on the Bailey, if there was enough space, but ended up in a prime location, right next to the science site, on the hill. Genuinely, the prettiest thing in Durham is walking through Mary’s when the cherry blossom is out in the spring. Just be wary: it’s a catfish college. It looks amazing from the outside, but inside? Not so much. Mary’s students live in some crummy sixties buildings next to the main college site. However, if you can get over that, it is lovely. Some would say that it feels like a girls’ boarding school, and they are not wrong, but I would never say that was a downside. Coming from an all girls’ school myself, it is a win, it being so girlypop. I just feel bad for any man who may end up here – I think I have only met 3 Mary’s men in my entire time at Durham.
Trevelyan: (aka Trevs) I almost forgot you. And that says a lot about your college. You’re pretty forgettable, though not John Snow forgettable. I would never stoop that low. There are some Trevs haters out there, however I am not one of them. I like your quirky hexagons (or is it octagons?) and from what I have seen of your college library, it is actually pretty swag. I have a friend who moved from Aidans to Trevs, which says a whole lot again about your college. For one, you’re desirable, which is more than anyone has ever said for Trevs before. Plus, you are always an easy stop on the bar crawls, simply because no one is ever in your bar, so you can always get a drink. Ultimately, irrelevant but not a bad bet.
Grey: The scientists. That’s just the vibes you give. Maybe it’s simply because you live practically on the science site. There is lots of media out there which does Grey no justice whatsoever. I have found that the so-called ‘Grey by name, Grey by nature’ stereotype that goes alongside this college is completely false. Some of my best friends are in Grey and they are the nicest of people. Yet, I will still accept the inherent vanillaness of this college. Everything is just good; there are no quirks which give it character. But if you want a lovely, gowned, catered college, one which is sporty and next to the library, I could not more highly recommend Grey.
Collingwood: The sporty one. Again, another one of the classic Durham stereotypes is that Collingwood is the American jock of the university. And again, it is not wrong. It is a sporty college, but mainly because it is so big. It is the biggest of all the Durham colleges, and honestly, too big. College sport in Collingwood is only for the elite who just didn’t make it DU, whereas in any other college, anyone can play. Yes, it means they win everything, but where is the fun in that? However, your toastie bar is to die for, so I guess it makes up for the innate cockiness that is enshrined in every Collingwood student, be them a 5’’3 short king or a 6’’8 rugby player.
Van Mildert: Initially, I hated you. But I think that is because I went to visit the University of York before I came to visit Durham, and your lake gives the exact energy the York ponds did. Said energy being mould. You’re like a B team rugby player personified. You were not good enough to get into the A team (aka Collingwood) but my, do you wish you did. Yet, you make up for it with how invested you are in the team. You would do anything for your B team and I love that. Mildert people are the ones you will meet going as hard as they possibly can on any night out in Durham, and will still be there at your 10 am seminar the next day. And for that, I applaud and give my heart to you, Van Mildert.
St Aidan’s: Oof. I think the one college in Durham no one ever wants to be at. You are up a vast flight of stairs, tucked away in the back end of nowhere. Though walking those stairs will give you the most perfect ‘’Aidan’s bum’’, I wouldn’t say it was a trade I would be willing to partake in. No one knows you and your principal is trying to stop serving alcohol in your college bar, which I truly am so sorry for. Then again, every shadow has a silver lining. You have so much space up there in Aidan’s, I have heard stories of people getting whole double rooms to themselves because there are simply not enough people to share. Your accommodation and facilities are quite nice, and from what I was told by the one Aidan’s person I have met, you’re like a family, since you’re all in that stair climb together. And I think that is quite a sweet note to leave the monstrosity that is Aidan’s on.
Hild Bede: You are neither Hill nor Bailey. You were River, but considering you’re all moving to Rushford Court next year because your riverside accommodation is falling into said river, I wouldn’t even call you that anymore. You are not near any college. You are in your own bubble. In all honesty, I have heard little about Hild Bede. You have some lovely old buildings and grounds, yet all live in the ugliest of sixties builds, which, as already stated, are collapsing as we speak. However, you all seem nice, and much like Aidan’s, are all in it together. And you guys have a full on theatre, which is pretty cool. Just a slight word of warning that Hild Bede has a substantially larger Tory population than anyone could have imagined, mainly because they were all moved there from Castle or Hatfield.
And that is it. If anything, I hope this open-heartedly honest guide to the undergraduate colleges has brought you a little more clarity when picking your home in Durham, because I know the one I read in year 12 definitely did for me. To sign off in true Durham fashion, it doesn’t actually matter where you end up. Everyone ends up loving their college. Just as long as you don’t end up in Hatfield.
Image: Christopher Hilton via Wikimedia Commons
