University receives planning permission to monopolise entire county

By Connor Petts

After a lengthy legal battle, Durham University has been given the green light to begin its ambitious expansion across the entire county. Local residents have been given a two-week evacuation notice before University dominion commences.

The decision, following the Supreme Court ruling that academic success is worth more than human life, will both improve student facilities and fund a 6% raise for staff due to a 900% increase in tuition fees. Furthermore, a new AI marking and lecturing tool will finally grant staff the freedom to reply to Overheard posts full-time. To make the larger campus accessible, a coal-powered underground network will be constructed, helping Southern students feel more at home while honouring Durham’s history.

But is the demolition of thousands of homes too obvious a solution to the Durham housing crisis? Some students fear seizing the entire county could increase tensions between students and locals. One lecturer refutes these “anti-intellectual” arguments: “An academic revolution always comes with sacrifices. But I would like to announce that future lectures will begin with a land acknowledgement, to honour those who came before us.” 

We attempted to reach out to local residents for comment, but our reporter didn’t understand what they were saying.

Image: Jungpioneer via Wikimedia Commons