RIVER WEAR-IS-ALL-THE-WATER

By Comfort Wallis

With this summer’s record drought, both water levels and Durham’s reputation have reached new lows. As students escaped to Riviera villas and cottages in Cornwall this summer, Durham’s locals have been outraged by much of the debris and general rubbish exposed on the ever-growing riverbanks. Hundreds of thin scarves have been found tangled in low-hanging branches, perfectly preserved due to their 100% polyester blend advertised as organic wool. We can only assume this is a result of years of Durham micro-fashion combined with even more hot-girl walks.

A new wear has formed underneath Kingsgate Bridge built entirely from VK bottles and Buzzballs, likely a run-off from Jimmy’s and Klute, although neither has chosen to comment on the issue. Usually this litter would be carried downstream and deposited outside the University of Sunderland to serve as a show of Durham’s ‘superiority’ (Surely stupidity?-Ed). The question is, will litter piling up in our own back yard promote any kind of humbled self-awareness here? We are doubtful.

The shocking state of Durham rowing has also emerged from the murk with hundreds of cox-boxes, Oakleys and urine-filled water bottles washing up. Found wrecked on the second wear was the legendary Aiden’s boat, still sporting its evidently jammed oars with messages sent by the unfortunate crew found in glass bottles caught swaying in the reeds outside Turtle Bay. Excerpts have been released, such as ‘we are sorry, we know we belong on the hill, SOS’ and ‘man cannot survive on half-drunk VKs alone, please send help’.

Despite having a field day with these discoveries, the river continues to run almost as dry as Archaeology Society members’ DMs. The carnage of the climate crisis has come home to roost in Durham.

Image: Beatrice Law/Palatinate