Traitors-themed college formal leads to actual murder

By Comfort Wallis

Tragedy struck at Castle last week when a Traitors-themed formal got out of hand, resulting in the death of one unfortunate first-year. While the University has launched an inquiry, we have been speaking to witnesses to piece the story together.

It appears that Castle JCR had the grand idea of holding a themed night in response to complaints that there are no longer sufficient formals, forcing livers-out to feed themselves throughout the week in the absence of their staff. On the night, three Traitors were chosen, and given the task of ‘murdering’ one attendee each by giving them a gold goblet of wine instead of the customary silver. 

It was only after this was successfully carried out that chaos erupted. A few eagle-eyed diners had noticed the unusual gleam of the goblets as they were delivered, leading them to identify the culprits. As word spread, some students noticed a trend.

When attendees realised the Traitors were the only three state-schoolers in the college, a riot broke out. A stampede of students thundered out of the hall in outrage at the “classism” and “grotesque bias” shown against them. One poor fresher was badly injured in the crush, later resulting in a fatality.

While Castle mourns this misfortune, the true injury is the shock caused by such audacious behaviour from the ‘lower classes’ which has shaken the very foundations of this ancient and venerated building. The prevailing atmosphere of the college is one in survival mode, one whose very being is under threat from the steady infiltration of the 21st century.

Image: Sharonlflynn via Wikimedia Commons