University ‘deeply regrets’ it has to punish bigot

The university has sheepishly issued an apology after it reluctantly undertook the proper disciplinary measures against a student who repeatedly made offensive comments. The statement claimed they were “very sorry for any hurt caused”, after they heard the bigot was really “down in the dumps” about being given a punishment proportionate to their actions.

The proof held against the accused included a few texts, a muffled audio recording, and the testimonies of 70 witnesses who saw him shout his garbage opinions from atop the statue in Market Square – which he streamed live on Facebook and emailed a copy of the video to every University board member. A spokesperson called the evidence “inconclusive”.

Also in their statement, the University reiterated its commitment to “creating a safe and supportive community for all”, but that “boys will be boys, or sometimes boys will be outrageously derogatory and insulting. Aren’t boys daft?”

“Those concerned or affected by the student’s comments are encouraged to reach out to the Complaints Department, who are all fully trained to nod while they take your statement.”

When questioned if the opinions expressed by the student were actually representative of a wider culture of disrespect, intolerance and prejudice in the city, the spokesperson replied, “Lol no”, then wiped their nose with a complaint form.

We reached out to the bigot for comment, but we ended up wishing he’d stop commenting.


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