(just kidding, minus a million stars)
Heralded as “certainly miss-able” by student mental health advisors and “simply depressing” by every student interested in co-curriculars, the academic year 2020/1 will go down as one of the most controversial yet incredibly dull performances in university history. Directed by University Executives, under the creative guidance of Boris Johnson – known for unexpected plot twists and flare for breaking (theatrical) laws – the year demonstrated their ability to “make things up along the way” and “hope nobody notices how little prepared we are”.
University Executives took the phrase ‘art is suffering’ to new extremes with the finale: 24-hour exams. This dramatic convention put the performers through a whole new dimension of pain, pushing them to complete several ‘exam-style’ summative essays before the setting of the sun, leaving little time for sleep and just enough for a guilt-sodden cheese toastie.
This tragic twist really hit home for a lot of the audience who were able to increase their hysterical crying to a level that rivalled freshers locked in their colleges begging for hot meals and students forced into breakout rooms with their exes.
The standout performance must be attributed to The Swan and Three Cygnets, who convinced the student population that they still do not know what a card machine is; a performance to challenge Jimmy’s ‘closure’ stunt of January 2020.
A massive congratulations to all involved, from the tutors who uploaded lectures as per the timetable, to the hopeful students that signed that cutesy little petition asking for our money back. Make sure you catch the last few weeks of this academic year’s run before it’s all cancelled again.
Image: Saint Michael’s College via Flickr