Mel B announces plans to host a Spice Girls reunion at Klute after her visit to The Union

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Sunday the 18th February 2024 was no ordinary day. Over 150 Union members anxiously held their breaths waiting for the re-emergence of Scary Spice from hiding. Ever since she left our television screens, with her abrupt departure from the X Factor, could one believe she was about to give an in-person address to the masses? Could it really be her? It was around 3:30pm, when the sound of high heels against the cobbled, winding streets of Durham echoed through Palace Green. Megastar Mel B dressed in her signature leopard print, removed her tinted sunglasses, and entered the Debating Chamber. Sighs of relief sounded.

As she entered The Union, it was reported that Mel B was taken aback by the ‘interesting’ fashion trends on display. The various Schöffels and signet rings were so overwhelming she turned to a bottle of pinot noir and a pack of Marlboro cigarettes for some assistance. Mel had stocked up on these during her drive up from Leeds, demonstrating her great anticipation to head further north. As a born and bred Leeds girly, Mel allegedly declined multiple offers to speak at Oxford or Cambridge, showcasing her undying loyalty to the north south divide. So, she clearly felt at home when she entered to find most people in the chamber from Surrey or London. Perhaps the experience will make her more amenable to the Oxbridge lot. If we can’t beat them in the university rankings at least we get the privilege of getting the better visitors.

After a few hours of intense Q&A, she took to the streets, going on a tour of some key Durham landmarks. And no, this did not include the Cathedral or University College, but rather the likes of Jimmy’s, Osbourne’s, Fab’s etc. She didn’t even make it over the bridge to Babylon, as the magnetic allure of SNK stopped her in her tracks. Enchanted by the scent of peach flavoured vape and the sound of unsyncopated remixes, it ignited something in Mel B. As Wannabe blasted through the system’s sound speakers, she was transported back to the 90s. Europe’s worst nightclub, had brought tears to her eyes (and not in the way one might expect). It seemed that Klute was the perfect venue for Spice Girls Reunion Tour and thankfully for Ginger Spice the only club in Durham where gingers aren’t discriminated against by bouncers.  Mel thought, with no safety limit, Klute would guarantee thousands in capacity. She even suggested borrowing Jimmy’s DJ Dave B as the supporting act. Although concerns by fans have since been expressed, claiming that this decision may undermine their reunion as they wouldn’t want to be overshadowed by Dave’s musical artistry.

Klute are yet to officially respond to the suggestion, however, according to reliable sources, the manager has said that hosting such an event might tarnish their purposefully crafted image of ruggedness, with Posh Spice in particular threatening such curated branding. So, at this time, it is uncertain whether Durham will be hosting UK’s most successful girl band of all time. Undeterred, Mel B’s campaign has continued, as she is set to make a return to the Union in due course to meet Dominic Cummings (best known as an ex-Klute Bouncer) to get some insider information on how to get management on her side, after all, what better place to forge nepotistic connections than in Durham?!

On behalf of all Durham students, we support you Mel B! (But preferably put it in the diary for a day other than Sunday – we wouldn’t want to disrupt the well-established SNK vibes).

Image: Eva Rinaldi via Creative Commons

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