Breaking news! Lorry driver strikes cause supply shortages around the United Kingdom. Many goods such as toilet paper, strepsils, cough syrup and broccoli have been off the shelves and in diminished supply. However, students at Durham University say that the lack of coffee beans and oat milk has been the most debilitating.
While the drivers fight for better working conditions, students begin boycotting lectures because they are lacking the fuel they need most to attend. A proper protest was scheduled by C.O.F.F.E.E.S. (Congression of Flat-white Fueled Educational Energy Society). When investigators were sent to check out the situation, they reported to only see three people there. When asked where the rest of the angered people were, the leader, Essa Presso answered, ‘they are too tired to get out of their beds. What has the world come to that we can’t have flat whites? I had to lower myself to drinking a jager bomb sans jager to get the energy.’
Meanwhile, the students who drink tea are reportedly fine because they ‘stockpile like it’s WWII’ (Thea Chaims, Food & Drink editor of Indigo). In fact, we reached out to the many University tea societies and asked how they were continuing on, especially without oat milk. The head of T.E.A (Tea Enjoyers Association) told us: “When in doubt, drink cow, but also, most teas don’t need milk. We will outlast this shortage, as we stockpile tea every year to keep subs down for our members.”
Professors have also reported feeling disparaged as the lecture halls are even more empty than before. When one professor was asked, they said: “what was the point of making lecturers in person again if no one will show up. I don’t get why these kids don’t just make a cup of coffee at home.”