The obvious solution to Kinder’s not very festive salmonella crisis

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As an entirely devoted, completely obedient Christian, every spring I obviously honour the resurrection of Jesus Christ by swallowing as many spherical chocolates in the space of seventy-two hours as is humanly possible. Unfortunately, my sister’s offspring are now old enough to realize that I, their coolest auntie, had lied to them when I told them that only grown-ups like chocolate and it wasn’t for their infant tastebuds to appreciate. I didn’t want them to go anywhere near my Marks and Spencer’s Golden Blond Chocolate & Pistachio Egg for the ungrateful rugrats to spit it out and cry “IT’S GOT BITS IN”, so I figured I’d preoccupy them with something…plain and uncostly.

The all-seasonal Kinder eggs, what a substitute. They’ve even got a little toy in the yolk to entertain the consumer. A couple of those will have my nephews satisfied for the weekend while I do my best not to give myself type 2 diabetes. So that was the plan – reinforce that I AM the cool auntie who gives her nephews eggs with toys inside, and not have to share my own chocolate. But, of course, as I am getting my daily dose of Durfess, what do I see?

URGENT RECALL: KINDER SURPRISE.

So apparently there have been cases of salmonella. I thought at first that ‘salmonella’ was some edgy European name; alas, salmonella is merely a bacteria causing food poisoning. I thought to myself for a while, ‘my nephews have probably eaten dirt in the garden while pretending to be farmyard animals, what harm will this bacteria do? And even if they’re ill, does the toy not compensate?’. Then I remembered that one time my father had food poisoning from raw oysters while we were lunching on the Latin Quarter in Paris and the only sight he saw for the couple days to follow was his hotel room’s ensuite. I couldn’t consciously put my young nephews through that.

Time to think smarter. Well, there are little toys inside Kinder eggs, right? The do-it-yourself figurines which serve the main purpose of injuring the soles of bare feet when left unattended. Could they not be slightly more helpful? Why not put a little chewable medicine in the yolk toy capsule? If you’re ill, you can make yourself better, reduce NHS wait times and spark interest in a medical career. There could be instructions on how to administer to the self! So, I wrote to Kinder headquarters myself:


To Whom It May Concern:
I am saddened to hear of the current salmonella epidemic affecting batches of your chocolate at such a crucial season for capitalist citizens. I would like to offer a simple solution, which I am quite astounded you have not yet considered: ditch the toys, bring in the anecdote. A cure to food poisoning to kids is not only educational, but the way to save Easter. I would suggest contacting the World Health Organisation and local scientists for the most efficient ways of packaging and branding these, as I for one have not had to think about my biological fight against diseases since sitting my GCSEs four years ago, thus I do not think I am best qualified. You are more than welcome for this email; no, I do not expect any commission for the tip, just knowing your business is booming again is enough reward for me. Kindest regards and a Happy Easter to you.

Anyway, they never got back to me with confirmation. My nephews visited Friday and I had to provide them with Creme Eggs instead. Of course, the rugrats have an acquired pallet at the ripe ages of four and five, and so I still had to sacrifice a giant Lindor egg for them to share. To make up for the disappointment I felt, I decided to very roughly imitate the actions of Jesus that sacred weekend. And by imitate I mean leave on Friday, have my close ones presume me dead and come home on Sunday. I take my religious holidays extremely seriously.

Image: bour3 via flickr

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