Satire: The Caledonian Society accessibility report in full

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Palatinate has recently finished examining the accessibility and outreach program of the Durham Caledonian Society, and summarised below, the findings of the investigation undeniably point to unparalleled levels of success.

A headline achievement has been to make the already highly down to earth ‘White Tie Ball’ more accessible and diverse than ever before – tables being provided to the President’s friends whether they know him from school, the Shooting Club, or even the positively proletarian Polo Club!

When it comes to applications for exec roles, Palatinate has been reliably informed that in order to be selected you must be “suitably experienced, with a passion for the Caledonian Society”. Translated from the original rah this can be roughly interpreted as: The President really would prefer it if you were at the very least a third cousin of his, but those with connections to God father Simon will be grudgingly accepted.

It should however be noted that the Caledonian Society is indeed contractually obliged to follow the rules of the Durham Student Union and Student Group agreement – sadly the exec will therefore have to bide their time before limiting voting rights to those members with land holdings of over 100 acres and/or lordship over at least 30 feudal labourers.

It has also been suggested that the Caledonian Society is seeking to acquire ‘charahtable status’. This is entirely unsurprising to those familiar with its long running social mobility scheme which for years has been taking ‘donations’ (membership fees paid by those naive enough to expect something in return), and channelling`q them into support for those less fortunate (the Publicity Officer’s sister only went to the Royal Agricultural College in the first place because she was worried Durham would be a bit too much of an ‘urban’ inner-city experience, and she really thinks an all expenses paid trip up North for a Caledonian Ball is the least she can expect, if only out of common humanity and decency).

In light of these inspirational outreach attempts, all that is left to say is that regardless of whether the strongest Scottish connection amongst the exec is their shared Edinburgh Woollen Mill loyalty card, and regardless of whether the ‘Clan Tartan’ of the Events Officer was actually inspired by a tea towel picked up from the Gift Shop of the ‘Braveheart 4D cinema experience’ in 2017, when it comes to broadening access, the Durham Caledonian Society is undoubtedly leading the way.

Image: Dave Conner via Creative Commons Search Portal

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