University curbs increase in firsts using undercover actors to distract students

Have you got a friend that is always encouraging you to drink just before a deadline, who is always up for a laugh and never seems to do any work? Well, they could be one of the many undercover actors under Durham University’s employ to distract you just enough to rob you of a first.

The proportion of students now receiving first-class honours has now risen so much that “practically every student gets one”, we’re told by an angry man in the pub. To address this, the University has invested millions in training method actors to divert the attention of students away from studies and on to unimportant activities like drinking or JCR positions no one cares about.

How can you spot one? The distraction tactics the actors employ include talking so much in tutorials that you lose interest entirely, tagging you in Tindurs that don’t even match your initials, and sometimes they sneak up on people working in the library and shout ‘boo’.

When we asked a University representative whether investing in lowering academic performances was an appropriate use of funds, he shouted “Woah, look at that behind you”, then escaped out the window while my back was turned.

A Palatinate investigation found that around 65% of undergraduate intake are now actors, meaning real students are almost certainly living with one currently. We suggest confronting all your housemates with excessive aggression, just in case.

Equally, if you’re one of those undercover, it’s also very possible your housemates are too, in which case feel free to drop the act.

Image: Mackem Magic via Flickr

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