Jesus was due to rise on Easter Sunday, but hit the snooze button and went back to sleep

By Lorcan Green

Mary Magdalene was stunned on Sunday as the tomb of Jesus remained firmly shut. Her face was a curious mix of confusion and disappointment for Jesus was not normally one to disappoint.

Medical experts have postulated that this may have broken the fair lady as many onlookers report her setting fire to, and subsequently staring at, a burning bush before running home in a state of mania. However, Ms Magdalene disputes this account of events. According to her, God appeared to her in the burning bush. “He appeared to me in that bush,” continued Magdalene, “he said that Jesus had had a difficult few days and required a wee bit more recuperation. They felt that to cause shock and awe on the Lord’s Day of rest was not right, so when the angels came to tell him it was the time of ascension, he just hit the divine snooze button, and rolled over and continued in his slumber. To all the believers out there though, do not fret, he’s assured me that he will not indefinitely press the snooze button again and will rise as promised tomorrow.”

There had been some commotion at the crucifixion of the yet-to-be verified son of God, as at the last minute it was realized that there had been a mistake, and a man called Brian was on the cross rather than Jesus. The Prefect’s office is currently dealing with complaints relating to this delay in crucifixions but promises that all who need to be reimbursed shall be.

Image: DM L via flickr

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