How to write a 3000 word essay in 24 hours

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It’s one minute to midnight. You idly check Blackboard to taunt yourself with the untouched tutorial prep and, to your horror, realise that your essay is due in tomorrow. Technically today. It isn’t looking good: moths fly out of your word document; JSTOR creaks when you open it; a thick layer of dust has settled over the Library Discover bar. But all is not lost. You open the Palatinate website and see that the Satire section has got your back. Here’s what you need to do:

00:00 – No need to panic just yet. 24 hours is long time; just imagine if you had to do a handstand for that long – you’ve got ages. Maybe even enough time to check if anyone has posted you on Tindur. Probably best if you scroll back all the way to when you first started uni, just to be thorough.

01:30 – Realistically, if you start now, it’s not going to make any sense. You’re so tired that you’ve been staring at the ingredients label on your Red Bull and wondering whether tauruses get extra special powers from taurine for the last ninety minutes. Better get some sleep.

09:30 – Right, maybe you are in a bit of bother now. You head off to the library. At this obscene hour your fellow soldiers hold no spirit of camaraderie. You smile empathetically at an afflicted-looking guy having a Fanta and he gives you the evils. Nice.

JSTOR creaks when you open it; a thick layer of dust has settled over the Library Discover bar

12:00– You’ve found some sources. They’re all 30 pages long, but you’ve read the first couple of each and you’ve got the gist. The academics with three PhDs and a Nobel Prize who wrote them probably got a lot more than the gist, but you probably have more mates so, you know, swings and roundabouts.

15:00 – Start writing in earnest now. You can come back to the introduction once you know what your points actually are. Once you read what you’ve written back, they’ll pop out at you. Probably.

18:00 – You encounter a minor issue when you check over what you’ve got so far, and it sounds like the incoherent ramblings of a drunk guy in the Jimmy’s smoking area. However, the main thing is that it exists, so don’t get too hung up on the details, or the general overview, or the quality of the writing…

23:59 – Enter cardiac arrest as you try to submit your essay to Turnitin with one minute to spare and the circle starts buffering for slightly too long. You’ll never do this again. Finally, you get confirmation and the adrenaline high is like nothing you’ve ever experienced. You’ll definitely do this again.

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