From Russia with Love…

Dear Agony Aunt,

My long-term relationship with a certain Belarussian is beginning to hit its breaking point. Since I’d
rather not name names, let’s just say his name rhymes with Valexander Pukachenko. We were once part
of a somewhat complicated 15-way relationship for a while until the 90s, but after that union fell apart
then we’ve had a fairly close relationship. But lately, things have gone colder and colder.

It’s important to note that we’re both fairly influential political figures, but I don’t want that to affect
your advice. Politicians are human after all. We suffer the same everyday problems as anyone else, like
on whose yacht to spend the summer, or which dissident to imprison.

I’m the main breadwinner in the relationship, and I make decent money in the lumber, oil, and
corruption industries. As a result, I provide my partner with a fair bit of financial assistance. However, I
became concerned that he may not be spending that sum responsibly once I discovered the fact that he
bought his son a pistol made of gold. I like James Bond as much as the next person, but as completely
legitimate political leaders, I find it important that we distance ourselves from appearing like literal

There’s definitely been a breakdown of trust between us. Just the other day, one of my spies found out
that he thinks I’m planning on replacing him with a younger, more popular model. Can you believe how
paranoid he is?! He suspects everyone is out to get him, and although I can empathize with his fears of
journalists and politicians, I don’t think Olympic athletes are particularly notable hurdles.

I’m also concerned that our relationship is alienating us from the rest of our friends and neighbors. We
can’t even take a nice holiday abroad to visit them this year. Partially because he’s been using vodka and
saunas rather than taking a proper vaccine, but his Ryanair temper tantrum got us banned from flying.
It’s a shame because I hear Salisbury is quite nice this time of year.

Is there a way to fix this loveless marriage or is it better to just cut my ties and his throat?

Yours sincerely,

Image: Wikicommons media

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