Frank the Tank: England’s Saviour


A Twenty-two-year-old Plymouth Argyle fan, Frank Higgins, known affectionately as “Frank the Tank” is set to replace Gareth Southgate for the 2022 World cup in Qatar, following a European cup run that was befitting of a “Sunday league team.”

Higgins expressed his desire to take over English football’s top job on Twitter three minutes after England were defeated by Italy in the Euros.

The job application was seen by all 78 people who follow Higgins for his valuable insight, a group of fans he refers to as the “Absolute Tankers.” In the application, “The Tank” astutely claimed Southgate’s side was full of “bottle-jobs” as well as describing the manager using words too unsavoury for publication.

Higgins is a self-professed footballing genius, with an impressive list of accolades to his name. In 2016, Higgins took Accrington Stanley from League Two to the Champions League final in only four seasons on the computer game Football Manager, a feat which earned him the attention of many scouts in the England professional set-up.

Preceding this extraordinary manager career was a glittering club career. “The Tank” starred in his under 8’s team, leading the team in both goals and yellow cards. Higgins was a true one-club man, staying with Botusfleming AFC throughout his career.

Higgins’ former manager described him as an “alright left-back” and a “rowdy dressing room presence.” Many were puzzled as to why Higgins never made the leap to professional football. In a conversation I had with the future England Manager, Higgins stated, “I had to make the decision between being one of the most influential players to ever grace the field or to throw myself into the world of cigs, booze and birds. It was a no-brainer really.”

Although he was never a professional, Higgins devoted himself to becoming a footballing mastermind. This genius was acknowledged when The Tank met Ryan Shawcross in a Boots in Leicester in 2018. Shawcross reportedly told Higgins that he had never met anyone who could compete with him tactically. This genius was cultivated by watching every game he could and gambling on the results. It is believed that he made up to £8 over his gambling career.

Although he is certain about his capabilities, Higgins views going all the way to Qatar as a “faff.” Higgins famously does not travel well, only leaving England once on a lads holiday to Magaluf, a holiday which ended after only four days. While there, Higgins called his parents crying three times a day and only ate full English breakfasts because he does not trust foreign foods.

Despite this minor blip, Higgins is sure he can do a “proper” job with the England side, bringing back the waistcoat and wearing it “better than that Southgate bloke.” Higgins promises to promote youth, including his nephew Sam, who Higgins assures is a “tidy little baller actually.”

At last, a glimmer of hope for English football. Expect the whole nation to become “absolute tankers” before too long.

Image: Wikimedia commons

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