Durham ‘secret society’ discovers literally everyone knows of its existence

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Last week, a Castle-based ‘Secret Society’ came to the shocking realisation that literally everybody at Durham University is aware of its existence. The University College “Six-Nines”, established in 1983 by Law student Jonathan Blower (currently serving a 25-year prison sentence for various human-trafficking charges), is an all-male drinking society infamous for its drunken, bawdy and psychosexual antics. The club adheres to a strict hierarchy, presided over by the ‘Imperial Wizard’ of the Six-Nines – invariably a third-year who was mercilessly bullied at boarding school. Recruitment of new members occurs during Freshers’ Week, when the ‘Chief Advisors to the Imperial Wizard’ scout out pale-faced, Surrey-bred first-years – all of whom proudly sport curtain-haircuts. The inauguration ceremony is far too graphic to recount in print, though exclusive reports to Palatinate suggest this year’s ‘welcome drinks’ involved a Tesco Express cucumber.

The Six-Nines take extensive measures to remain incognito and self-contained, including “strongly discouraging” the donning of the club’s personalised hot-pink Rugby shirts outside of their bi-weekly meetings at Swan & Three Cygnets. Despite this, the club’s attire is frequently worn on the dance-floor of Thursday-night Fabio’s, sources suggest.

The results of a recent poll conducted by Palatinate reveal 98% of Durham students are aware of the club’s existence. Due to a failure in maintaining the poll’s anonymity (those responsible were promptly liquidated), Palatinate can reveal that the 2% who claimed ignorance of the society’s existence are in fact high-ranking members of the Six-Nines themselves. A senior spokesman for the Six-Nines (who wishes to remain anonymous to protect his prospective career in British politics) issued the following statement via Durfess: “The discovery that literally everybody at Durham University is aware of our society’s existence comes as an earth-shattering shock. It’s deeply saddening that our best efforts to maintain the club’s privacy have failed so miserably – and we hope people can sort of, like, please forget we exist or something.”

Editor’s Note: The Six-Nines have made several violent threats to Palatinate over the past week, requesting we withhold this report from publication. Two days after submitting the final draft to our senior editors, the author of this article went missing. Whilst his friends and family insist they are “not particularly concerned” about his wellbeing (his older brother expressed jubilation at his disappearance) – Palatinate is contractually obliged to plea for any information regarding his whereabouts (not that we really care either).

Image: Robert Batty

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