Back to Black: Looking back to the use of style as a means of hiding

By Grace Sherwin

I have become quite preoccupied recently with the pursuit of reinventing myself — or perhaps rather digging up the more authentic version of myself that I have been burying for many years. In reality, I am simply wearing black less often and getting my hair to stay dark brown, though the stubborn red continues to peek through, but to me it symbolises something a bit more meaningful. I think I am finally learning to be comfortable with myself and what I like, both in terms of style and my personality, as both are of course deeply intertwined. I have used my appearance for many years to impose a sense of mystery, of being interesting yet unapproachable, fearing any risk of vulnerability. However, I am starting to realise that it is far more pleasant to allow people the opportunity to like me, rather than purposefully appearing intimidating, donning dark clothes and a scowl to scare people off.

Since the age of 14, I have rarely been seen in any colours other than black and the occasional dark red, constantly being asked if I was a goth, an emo, or going to a funeral

Since the age of 14, I have rarely been seen in any colours other than black and the occasional dark red, constantly being asked if I was a goth, an emo, or going to a funeral. I had my nails suffocating under a thick coat of black nail polish for three years straight, and even insisted upon the bands of my braces being black, but refused any suggestion that I was part of any sub-culture, as I did not listen to the right music and did not feel in any way cool enough. Yet that was the ultimate purpose of this monochrome life; a desperate attempt to be considered cool and intimidating. Though I can be a rather sordid and coarse character, those closest to me know I am also kind and warm. In my teenage years, I leaned too far into the former aspects of myself in order to avoid any judgement — to be intimidating and to judge others before the same could be done to me. I do wonder what possessed me to hide away beneath a sea of black fabric and accessories for so long, though I did convince myself I truly enjoyed dressing as I did, even though I never made this choice with myself or my tastes in mind. I often found myself questioning why my purposefully dark and mysterious façade so greatly juxtaposed my real personality, though this is not the case for everyone of course, with many finding such style the perfect way to express themselves.

I am therefore taking this recent craving for change as a sign that I have finally reached a place where I am content and ready to feel comfortable with my style. I am taking down the walls that I have spent years reinforcing to keep myself safe and hoping that I like what I find hidden there. I believe I will, as I was a profoundly joyful child, with wild blonde curls and clothes of bright colours and patterns, whereas my style of the last few years forced an angsty mindset that was difficult to escape from. In aid of this pursuit, I am dressing to make myself feel comfortable and pretty, reflecting with longing nostalgia on the carefree outfits of my youth, rather than caring so much about what others think. I have made a start by introducing a bit of colour into my wardrobe, wearing tops, dresses, and skirts of white lace, frills, and bows, allowing the whimsy that I had been depriving myself of for so long. I have drastically decreased the size of my winged eyeliner, and am moving past my days of red, pink, or split-dyed black and white hair. I am also leaving the straighteners unplugged, embracing my naturally wavy hair and opting for a darker brown colour. Though I adored my more eccentric hair, I mostly dyed it to differentiate myself, feeling it made me interesting and provided a talking point I thought was necessary to make up for my shy tendencies. However, I have received a wave of positive reactions to the wavy hair I have battled with for so long, and I do not at all miss the herculean task of maintaining my previous colour or style.

I truly believe this palpable, outward reflection of my present mindset has further enriched the positive inner change that prompted such a shift, really speaking to the power of genuine self-expression. The change has allowed people to really see me now, rather than a vicious, opaque wall onto which only my fears were projected. However, whilst my shopping options have had a substantial increase, my ever-dwindling bank balance has faced a significant decrease.

Image: Carlos Adampol Galindo via Wikimedia Commons.