The Billy Bulletin #2: ‘Is Ustinov College even real?’

After the romping popularity of the Billy Bulletin’s first issue with my parents (thanks mum), Satire’s newsletter returns to show student journalism at its incisive best, or maybe we’re just spouting more nonsense. Not sure.

Here at Bulletin HQ – my nan’s garage – we’ve spent the week constantly listening out for gossip, rifling through local celebrities’ bins, and politely asking the SU to do something controversial again so that we could bring you cutting-edge news. With that in mind, here are the headlines…

Over 81% of Durham students believe that Ustinov College is a hoax

A recent study among students revealed that a growing percentage believe that the postgrad-only Ustinov College simply doesn’t exist.

‘Think about it logically,’ one student responded, ‘they say it’s the biggest college here, but I’ve not met a single person from Ustinov. I haven’t even been to their bar!’

The popularity of this theory is liked aided by the fact that 96% of undergraduates believe that postgrads are also fictional since many refuse to believe that any person would willingly sign up for the further years of debt and stress. Others consider the concept of postgraduate studies a fairy tale, falsely reassuring students that you don’t have to battle your way into the job market immediately after graduation.

We were going to walk the conspiracy theorists to Ustinov to disprove them but, frankly, we couldn’t be bothered to trek so far to find out. ●

Lecturer still laughs at same joke he’s told on module for 26 years

Palatinate was disturbed to discover a Maths lecturer has got away with telling the same gag on his course for decades, and yet has the gall to still find it just as funny.

We sent a private investigator on a deep-cover mission over a 26-year period, as he pretended to love the course so much that he kept taking it over and over again – a faultless, seamless plan. Eventually, he unveiled the Mathematician’s historic crimes of joke repetition and reported him to local police. They informed us they’d take it very seriously, before filing our report in a special ‘serious crime’ dumpster behind the building.

When we confronted the lecturer, it turned out the joke itself – ‘I had an argument with a 90° angle. It turns out it was right.’ – was actually stolen from his own university tutor, so there is, unfortunately, no telling how long it has been causing students distress. ●

Revealing data demonstrates immense impact of Palatinate’s new Satire section

We’ll let the data do the talking…

Pretty damning.

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