The Billy Bulletin #1: ‘Tesco queue reaches mainland Europe’

Welcome to the first ever Billy Bulletin, where Satire has been given permission to publish all the news stories the rest of Palatinate is too scared and has too much integrity to publish. That’s right, there’s another Billy B in town, but this is one I’m yet to publicly cry inside.

While my social life is on pause because of exams and a severe deficiency of friends, the ‘news’ keeps on rolling, so here are the headlines…

EU complains as Market Square Tesco queue reaches mainland

A spokesperson for the EU has aired their displeasure at the management of Market Square Tesco’s queue, which this week was forced to extend through the Channel Tunnel and out into the French countryside.

They wanted to stress that free movement “does not cover queuing” and so those in the line will need to pay for visas, which are unfortunately excluded from Clubcard offers.

We spoke to Jennifer, one of the many in the line: “No, I haven’t seen or spoken to my husband and daughter in 8 months. I’m sure they’ll forgive and forget when I return laden with half-price brie.”

The UK Transport Police were dispatched to Calais to disperse the shoppers, but their Britishness couldn’t resist the seductive allure of a queue, and to the best of our knowledge they remain there.

Jennifer’s 8-year-old daughter told us, “We have a new mummy now. She shops at Aldi.” ●

Two-factor authentication now required to open every door in university buildings

Following the hugely popular adoption of two-factor authentication used to access IT Services, similar security measures are to be implemented on university grounds at various entrances, exits, windows, toilets, and fire escapes.

The multi-factor authentication is to commence with a short 50-digit code unique to each door, as well as a security question to be answered in the form of an extended essay. Other measures to be implemented later include fingerprint scans, blood testing, and a secret handshake.

The university official spearheading the defence program, last seen nailing boards to their office door, offered a statement:

“I’d sooner lock every student out of campus, than leave a single door insecure.” ●

Study shows 100% of people only read headline of Palatinate articles

Student claims poor summative mark was a ‘false negative’

We can all relate to the feeling, putting hours into your summative at the Billy B, dedicating an all-nighter to finish the bibliography, only to receive a mark which makes you think your time would’ve been better spent looking for jobs which don’t require a degree.

Fortunately, science and comparing statistics that do not relate to one another whatsoever, may save your ‘false negative’ grade.

Around 50% of Lateral Flow Test results are a ‘false negative’. While billions of pounds have been pumped into LFTs, we were shocked to discover no money has been dedicated to tackling ‘false negatives’ in summative results.

The average university essay is marked by just one person, then moderated by a few others, the time and money put into the resources to mark a summative is nowhere near the amount dedicated to LFTs.

Perhaps your poor summative mark was a ‘false negative’ after all. If you compare the numbers, who can argue with you? ●

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