The Bake Off Blog: Week Two – Biscuit Week

High stakes, unpredictable characters, outright destruction: why shell out for the latest blockbuster when The Great British Bake Off has it all? Film & TV will be blogging every step of the way, slowly salivating as we perch precariously on the edge of our seat, waving the flag for Durham’s Michael Georgiou. settles down with a slice of salted caramel cake for Episode Two.

4:00 – It’s biscuit week! Mary’s advice is not to be “too ambitious,” which is bound to fall on deaf ears as the bakers gleefully fly straight for the sun. First up is the signature bake: 24 iced biscuits.

5:00 – In a distant and doleful voice, Val recalls how as a child she was only allowed Neapolitan ice cream as a treat. So Bake Off has sob stories now? This isn’t X-Factor!

7:00 – And let the wacky experiments begin! Kate’s lavender and bergamot cake has Mary looking repulsed and apparently smells “like skincare.” Tom has moved from alcohol to caffeine as his drug of choice, with a cake so convoluted it would baffle even the most cocksure of Shoreditch baristas. Michael, meanwhile, needs to clean his ears. Don’t ask.

13:00 – Already Louise and Val’s biscuits are on the floor. “Can I serve these?” ponders Val. Clearly a woman who abides by the 10 second rule.

18:30 – Time to serve up, and the judgement is hardly favourable. Andrew’s biscuits taste stale, and Kate’s icing is “informal” (as opposed to smart-casual icing presumably). Rav’s accidentally made Thai green curry and Louise has unwittingly produced a scone. Oh dear.

20:00 – Shocking update: Tom’s just received the first Paul Hollywood Handshake of the series. He’s grinning from ear to ear; he might as well have been touched by Jesus. Meanwhile, Louise attempts to use body positivity as an excuse for non-uniform biscuits.

22:30 – This week’s technical challenge: Viennese whirls. With Sue absent, Mel attempts to imitate her co-host’s signature cry of “bake!”, but ends up sounding somewhat half-hearted.

24:00 – Michael: “I know what temperature to use for the jam because on the thermometer it says ‘jam’.” Putting that Durham education to good use.

28:30 – Things aren’t looking good. There are a lot of flat-looking Viennese whirls floating around, and even Selasi looks slightly phased.

32:00 –Paul and Mary deliver their verdict. Louise: flat and broken. Michael: thin and lacks definition. Selasi: oily. The Viennese whirls aren’t great either. Selasi is in last place, and his expression is as unreadable as the Mona Lisa. Don’t let them know you care Selasi!

33:00 – Now for an enjoyably off-the-wall showstopper: a 3D gingerbread construction with at least eight ‘characters’. What could possibly go wrong?

40:30 – Bride-to-be Louise has plumped for a wedding scene with bride, groom and five gravestones a nice memento mori for her big day. Candice is making a rundown pub with a sticky ginger carpet: yum! Andrew is recreating a lazy punt ride in Cambridge (essentially privilege in gingerbread form), while Michael is drawing inspiration from a childhood trip to Lapland.

44:30 – Rav is hoping to cover up his noticeably burnt gingerbread with icing, which seems like a bad idea. Kate beams that “the children are cooked now,” which adds a certain Hansel and Gretel vibe to proceedings.

48:00 – Good God! Gingerbread structures are collapsing with the frequency of a Michael Bay film. Candice’s pub is no more; there’s trouble in Lapland for Michael; and Val’s Statue of Liberty has snapped in two like something from Cloverfield. Louise’s wedding scene is going about as well as the one from Kill Bill, while two Cambridge cyclists plummet from Andrew’s bridge to meet their maker. Eek!

50:00 – Mary and Paul must somehow make sense of this mess. In Val’s showstopper New York, Holland and Yorkshire have all been completely levelled. The sole survivor is a gingerbread effigy of Val’s sister, until Paul gleefully chomps her head off. Mary joins in, informing Val that her sister is “sumptuous”.

53:00 – Michael describes his showstopper as “Santa’s workshop from hell,” but Paul says it’s “the best gingerbread so far” #durhamforthewin.

54:30 – Innuendo of the Week: Mel offers and Candice a hand with her pub, who responds “can you come and grab my jugs please?” Andrew’s expression is priceless. Her ‘grotty pub’ cake is actually very good though, particularly the sticky floor…

57:00 – Some predictable results this week: Candice grabs a well-deserved star baker (a huge improvement on last week’s shaky start), and Louise gets the chop after two days of unrelenting disaster. Val looks relieved that she’s staying on after serving up biscuits from the floor and scenes of urban devastation; let’s hope next week marks a miraculous turnaround.

Next week looks to be equally disastrous with Bread Week. 8pm on BBC One: be there or be square!

Photograph: Elisa Labbe

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