By John Cartin
Attention, Durham student reading this! Following your period of self-imposed isolation from relationships (it definitely was self-imposed, right?), Durham University has invested in a state of the art, three-colour safety list for your convenience! What is this definitely real list, I hear you ask, and what are the criteria? Definitions and examples are given below…
Like the colour of the flags they’re giving off to all your mates, yet you seem to be physically incapable of picking up on. Prospects on the red list should be firmly friendzoned, or if particularly virulent fobbed off onto a desperate friend who’s six shots deep at Jimmy’s and doesn’t know any better. Only the strong survive. Examples of individuals likely on the red list include sharks (as fresh will not have built up a natural immunity to co-rah-navirus present in Durham), weird men in Market Square, and anyone from Hatfield.
Suitable for a one night stand, yet prolonged exposure by catching feelings is likely to end in tears and at least one drunken Tindur about how you thought they were the one. If you’re in a situation where the chances of catching something are rapidly increasing (always stay protected, kids), try going on a coffee date with that ex you can definitely have a platonic friendship with, or start dropping into causal conversation how you think people should stop calling the Bill Bryson the ‘Billy B’, as this will clearly indicate to any normal Durhamite that you are insane and should be avoided at all costs. I don’t see this relationship being long, babe.
Gold dust and the rarest category on this list. A green list candidate is suitable to join the halls of the 70% with, so try and catch one with a trust fund from mummy & daddy for that dream summer wedding you’ve always wanted. Greeners aren’t snobby about the superiority of their college drink or bar, they’ll let you borrow as much of their stash as you like, and they know all the sex. That thing you’re thinking of? They know it, but not in a weird way. More in a sexy green way. Mmmmm, green. People who likely fit into the green category include that one guy you made eye contact with in the cafeteria and will never forget, the jazz singer with frizzy hair who wouldn’t know you from any other punter, and me, the author. Definitely. Probably not.
So, there you are: the definitive tier list of Durham dating. Will this really help me forever, I hear you say? Absolutely not; we’re scrapping the whole system in 48 hours and changing the naming scheme to obscure medieval Scandinavians. Tune in next week to find out if your dating life is a Eindriði or a Gunnhildr!
Image: Eduardo il Magnifico via Flickr