Satire: Vladimir Putin to give address at the Durham Union

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In an effort to diversity its offering of guest speakers, the Durham Union recently announced that Vladimir Putin, the current President of Russia, would be making an address during Easter Term. This was to ensure, in the words of Mary Carthage, the President of the Durham Union Society, that “the Durham Union can finally cast aside its reputation for left-wing bias”.

“You can hardly find a conservative at the Union these days,” remarked Bartholomew Donovanosis, the Union’s Upper-Class Representative. Donovanosis went on to add: “If you have so much as a whiff of port about your quarter zip, the Marxist cabal that runs this place will cast you into the River Wear. I learnt my lesson the hard way last Sunday, when a particularly zealous socialist Executive Committee officer caught me reading my copy of The Daily Telegraph in 24s. Needless to say, I spent the best part of Sunday night scraping river water out of my breeches.”

Alongside Mr Putin’s much-anticipated address, the Durham Union will publish a new report looking into how underrepresented groups can “feel more at home” at Durham Union events. Such underrepresented groups are rumoured to include white supremacists, English nationalists and Conservative Party MP alumni. One Conservative Party MP alumna, Peter Perves, recently complained to Palatinate that he had “only been invited to take part in four debates at the Union last year”, which was “much less” than a Labour colleague. Perves said this was due to “massive left-wing bias” at the Durham Union.

When the Durham Union first booked Mr Putin, it was understood that he would attend via video link, as has become the norm for Durham Union addresses of late. However, following a last-minute visa clearance from the Home Office, Mr Putin is expected to give the address in-person. Naturally, protests are expected, although the number of protesters is thought to be “no more than 10 or 20” as the address, held on a Sunday, will clash with SNK.

Mr Putin’s address is to be preceded by a “celebratory dinner” at the Hotel Indigo, at which members of the Durham Union Society will be able to make light-hearted conversation with Mr Putin regarding the various “high points” of his “esteemed career”. To further address the “pressing issue” of rampant left-wing bias at the Durham Union, the term card for Easter Term is expected to include many esteemed right-wingers, including Ernst Röhm, Rudolf Hess and Sir Keir Starmer.

Image: Пресс-служба Президента Российской Федерации via Wikimedia Commons

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