By Harrison Newsham
Dear Father Christmas,
I’m writing to tell you that I’ve been a very good boy this year as I have completed all the chores that Daddy Dom set me. So, for Christmas this year – I don’t think it’s too much – I would like:
- A bag of your purest Lapland snow – would take Govey and I back to the good old days
- (Feel like pure shit just want) North Shropshire back (x)
- A year’s supply of nappies: not for Romy, for me – been having a bit of toilet trouble lately after all the cheese and wine
- A digital piano to inject some real romance into mine and Carrie’s marriage
- A national ban on photographs of me taken without my written consent: they’ve caused me an awful lot of problems lately. Plus, I need to ensure my hair’s on fleek
- That in mind, a comb
- The Chase boxset– I need to be the Downing Street top quizmaster again next Christmas!
- Rishi Sunak to come home from California – I don’t know what he’s doing over there but it sounds really important. I miss his cuddles.
- A new gas-guzzling jet plane to get me to Egypt for COP27 – I must arrive in style!
- A statue of myself on Parliament Square
- Free speech on uni campuses
- A ban on students writing satire articles making fun of me, they make me really sad…
Sending lots of hugs and kisses,
P.S. please avoid getting soot all over the new wallpaper – it cost (the taxpayer, oops) £840-a-roll!
Image: Hannah Williams