Emily in Durham

As we are now well into term-time, and have many a deadline looming, I thought it would be fun to imagine how our lockdown pal, Emily Cooper, would enjoy some time away as a second year student in Durham. Swapping beret for puffer jacket, heels for white trainers and boulangerie for Greggs’, our pandemic alter ego, Emily, is ready to take on the North-East. Let’s hope the producers don’t read this before I’ve sold the rights and made a buck or two.

Paris complete, Duzza next.

  1. Emily, of course, would choose to bring all her wardrobe with her. Yet, as with all the other cool kids, she’d of course be residing in the viaduct. Due, to limited space options, she would be required to pay two rents to keep all her clothes. But at least she’d get some chic paparazzi shots outside of the North Road betting shops. 
  2. Instead of running into Camille or fashion executives, she would instead make eye contact with her tutor and her one-night stand at Market Square Tesco, despite having been “too ill to get out of bed” an hour prior. 
  3. In the classroom, Emily’s contributions would provide eye-opening clarity and clear-cut answers to all the big problem questions straight away. Tutors would beg for her to be dropped from their modules.  Otherwise, nothing would be left to be debated or pondered.
  4. Emily could turn Spags and its famed ‘penne alla vodka’ into an overnight sensation after posting a cute date night pic. Spags would naturally go on to win a Michelin Star, leading Emily to become informally known as the ‘Nonna of the North’ amongst the two local Italians.
  5. Emily would charm locals over drinks at the North Road Spoons. With just a few posts, she could save the place from closure and put the street on the map more than levelling up ever could.
  6. Emily would grab that shoe… I mean Jimmy Choos’ and drink straight from it before stumbling her way up Silver Street to Jimmy’s ‘just to see who’s about’.
  7. In the romantic smoking area LEDs, a setting more aesthetic than any Parisian streetlamp-lit boulevard, Emily would find her Gabriel, perhaps not a famed chef, but indeed a DU Rugby C team player who reheats pesto pasta for each meal. 

With some minor tweaks, Émile à Durham could work and easily knock its continental spin-off right off its perch, driving PalTV  to overtake Netflix as the world’s favourite streaming platform.

Image credit: Budiey and Tony Worrall Photography via Flickr

3 thoughts on “Emily in Durham

  • What does this even mean, sometimes british Sattire is too abstract and lacks true purpose

  • This is hilarious and spot on. I would watch it

  • North road spoon has already closed down she’ll have to go to the fighting cocks instead 😂


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