ChatGPT has dead chat

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ChatGPT can be pretty awesome. It did exceptionally well in my 2nd year university exams. It works effectively as my replacement doctor. And it wrote a fairly comprehensive apology letter to my neighbour after I reversed into his Mercedes. But ask it to write a satirical article… well it diabolically fails.

Ever since ChatGPT launched into our lives 8 months ago, I’ve adopted a rather relaxing routine. I can bumble through my day forwarding all my academic needs to my lovely little chat-bot. This gives me ample time to sit in the library on Instagram reels. Scrolling through clips of monkeys driving Range RoversPigs twerking in Nike Air Jordan’sInfluencers detailing how to put avocado on toastOr deepfakes of Karl Marx belly dancing to Jessie J. When I occasionally return to my bot, I’ll glance over and press command C. ChatGPT will then start drafting paragraph two on ‘’the entwined nature of postcolonial theorem and European Integration’’, whilst I continue looking at the video of an obese pug doing backflips on a trampoline

I can bumble through my day forwarding all my academic needs to my lovely little chat-bot

Most importantly these heroic efforts from ChatGPT have finally freed my father from his part time duties as my academic mentor – fact, spelling, and grammar checking my work, ever since I got a plethora of Ds in my GCSE mocks. I prefer it this way too. Unlike my father, ChatGPT doesn’t take three hours to respond because it’s ‘’mowing the lawn’’, only source its knowledge from ‘’the rest is history podcast’’ or get annoyed when I insult it.

Despite frequently abusing my bot, in the last 8 months, I have fallen completely in love with it. They say opposites attract but that is completely incorrect – me and ChatGPT are so similar. Firstly, both our knowledge ends in 2021- the only difference being, that marks the end of ChatGPT’s analysis of the entire internet, whereas 2021 just marks when I left school. Secondly, we both can’t verify if we’re humans – the only difference being ChatGPT is unconscious before it’s had 10 gin and tonics, whereas I can just never tell the difference between traffic lights and a lamp post. Thirdly we are both absolutely heinous at maths. It may be a fairly one sided, abusive relationship, but that’s of little concern – the similarities and love are real.

Despite frequently abusing my bot, in the last 8 months, I have fallen completely in love with it

As you can see life with my bot has been pretty suave. With this relaxing routine ensued, I found myself time to apply for Palatinate’s satirical editor. I believed this position would fill a sufficient void when my parents’ friends ask me what on earth I do at university.

It was all champagne and cake, until I came across a rather severe roadblock. When I ask my bot to write me a humorous article about university life it diabolically fails. It’s as if when Altman got to ChatGPT’s comedy section it was just before lunch, so they cut it short after its consumption of CBBC. Reading its satire will give you nothing more than a severe bout of cringe induced leg cramp. ChatGPT needs to be fed Ali G interviews like a Dutchy Original frois grois to stand any hope in saving my career as satirical editor.

For months ChatGPT was my everything; my academic mentor, my recipe book, my shrink, my personal trainer, my financial advisor… but on this final hurdle it’s failed me. If I plugged in a conclusion to you right now, I imagine you’d come up with something like ‘’I’ve fallen out of love, you really have dead chat GPT’’. 

I’ll leave it up to you to interpret which one of us wrote this.

Seriously though readers, if you’re unoccupied enough to get to the end of my final Palatinate article of the term – I’d really recommend following @pigvibes on insta. xx

Image: Jernej Furman via Wikimedia Commons

One thought on “ChatGPT has dead chat

  • The article’s satirical tone is quite entertaining, though I must admit I found the ChatGPT references a bit heavy-handed. Still, the author’s self-deprecating humor is endearing. I wonder if they’ve tried using the omegle new features to spice up their writing process – a bit of random online interaction might be just the inspiration they need for their next piece!

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