Britain faces an epidemic as ‘The Mullet’ makes a return


Cases of the mullet have been steadily rising in the UK, with numbers reportedly reaching levels that have not been seen since the 1980’s. Those affected believe they have “a bit about” themselves and enjoy “the lash.” Side-effects include a visible sign that Daddy never told victims that he loved them.

The style undoubtedly makes one stand out in a crowd, usually accompanied by a stature crafted through hours spent in the gym and away from loved ones, many believe it separates the wheat from the chaff.

Following infection, individuals report that they, “look like a rugby lad” who “could’ve gone pro” if he didn’t injure his knee. One mullet enthusiast I spoke to, with a mane that would have made George Michael blush, told me, “Girls loving running their hands through a mullet” in a savage promotion of the hairstyle. His girlfriend was unavailable for comment to support this claim due to the fact that she does not exist.

‘The go-to lockdown haircut has taken the country by storm, but no one really enjoys a storm’

The illness does, however, come with a certain appeal: it is an easy style to maintain in a time when barbers were closed. The go-to lockdown haircut has taken the country by storm, but no one really enjoys a storm, and the barbers are open again.

The transmission of the style has created an unwanted atmosphere within Britain. Those who have been impacted by the haircut can be identified through a variety of symptoms including: “great chat,” the selfish destruction of well-known songs, and dangerous overconfidence.

One student I spoke to regarding the epidemic asked, “when will the university take the necessary steps to make everyone feel safer and promote the cure, eradicating the haircut from campus?” The individual has asked to remain anonymous through fear of being made to “chop a pint.”

The openly anti-mullet student informed Palatinate that a protest has been arranged in Market Square in the coming weeks in an attempt to encourage decisive action from the university. Hopefully, the authorities will switch their focus to the more important issues after the demonstration.

If you, or anyone you love, is in possession of such a hairstyle, then please go to a barber. It is an affliction which can easily be solved. The vaccine costs around £18 and is most certainly worth it.


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