Ask Aunty Violet: “My boyfriend has decided to get a mullet”

Legal disclaimer: any advice provided by Ms Violet is advisory only. Palatinate can not take responsibility for any subsequent actions that may result in personal injury or intellectual distress

Ms Violet makes her debut as Palatinate’s newest Agony Aunt! Bathe in her wisdom as she kindly shares all the solutions to your pesky problems, insistent issues and quarrelsome quandaries.

Q. Dear Violet, I was walking out the shower last term and down to my room when my towel fell. I accidentally flashed the cleaner and someone I have a lot of meetings in common with. I’m also attracted to this person. Should I speak to them or just leave it? St Chad’s 

A. Dearest darling, you should absolutely confess your feelings! Realistically you cannot make the situation too much more awkward. You have already been incredibly courageous to reveal yourself as a Chad’s student living in college last year. I sincerely hope your friend is reading this and maybe they’ll even confess their love to you. Will be quite a story for the grandkids!

there have been multiple scientific studies concluding a positive correlation between mullet growing and declining social respectability

Q . Dear Violet, my boyfriend has decided to get a mullet, despite my protests. I can’t take him seriously anymore. What should I do? St Cuthbert’s

A. Dear sweetest reader, firstly, I am so sorry you have been put in this awful situation. Without a doubt, the recent trend of growing a mullet has been the most damaging consequence of Covid-19 lockdowns. My advice is to simply demand an ultimatum: a choice to cut off that hideous, matted trail of hair or he will be cut off from your life. I recognise this must seem harsh, however there have been multiple scientific studies concluding a positive correlation between mullet growing and declining social respectability. With someone looking so ridiculous, the future is bleak. At some point you’ll need to start hiding him from your friends and family out of pure embarrassment and darling, that is simply no way to live.

Q. Dear Violet, I am in the worst of places. Today I dropped one of my two champagne glasses and absolutely shattered it on my floor. I care not for the cut on my hand, only how will I host when I only have half a set? Hatfield

A. Dear poor reader, I really hope you are feeling well after enduring such a (cham)painful fiasco. My recommendation is to take a visit to A&E (Aristocratic and Elite); they will certainly have emergency supplies for any dinner party related issues. I suppose if the situation has become particularly dire, the nearest John Lewis is situated in Eldon Square, Newcastle. But honestly, what’s wrong with your flatmate’s least favourite football boot or a consenting adult’s belly button? 

students typically only need four items in their room: a towel, LED strip lights, 3-15 dirty mugs and a drawer of college stash

Q. Dear Violet, I’ve been in somewhat of a situationship with one of my friends since first year. They clearly don’t want to progress things but I still really like them. How can I get over it? St Mary’s

A. Dear loveless soul, I’m sure I am repeating advice that your friends have given you already, but my suggestion is: wear a chastity belt. If you cannot prevent yourself from yearning over this person, then I’m sure the physical reminder of metal weighing down your body will be an intense shock to the system and hopefully manage to overload these silly feelings. If you really feel so strongly, you could pass the key to this friend or a housemate so they can control your urges. As I always like to say: the medievals had the best solutions for anything.

Q. Dear Violet, I just don’t know what to do. I swear I spend more time cleaning my room than anything else. Every morning I wake up to a mess, I’ll clean the entire day and then it’ll still be a mess come morning. What should I do? Hatfield

A. Dear darling, I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling with maintaining the tidiness of your room. It’s a recurring problem for students at Durham who are too used to having servants clear up after them. I find it’s beneficial to dispose of your possessions if you are struggling to manage them all, really, the more extreme the method, the better. It may surprise you to learn that scientists have concluded that students typically only need four items in their room: a towel, LED strip lights, 3-15 dirty mugs and a drawer of college stash. All items excluding these are considered optional so feel free to rid yourself of the excess and save time on cleaning!

Got a question for Aunty Violet? Click here to fill out a form or direct your message via Morse Code towards the Palatinate Office on Thursday nights every fortnight during Term time.

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