Ask Aunty Violet: “I accidentally wore my pair of normal shoes to Klute instead of my Klute shoes”

Legal disclaimer: any advice provided by Ms Violet is advisory only. Palatinate cannot take responsibility for any subsequent actions that may result in personal injury or intellectual distress

Durham’s favourite Aunty returns with even more answers to your impenetrable problems. Read on for five quick and easy solutions to all your problems – it will change your life!

Q. Dear Violet, I’ve been finding it very difficult to maintain my relationship with my boyfriend who is living in Ustinov college this year. It’s a really long walk and everyone makes fun of me for saying that I’ve made him up because he never comes round. Please can you provide some advice? Hild Bede

A. Dearest honey, I know how difficult long-distance relationships can be. I completely sympathise with your predicament. It really is unfortunate that you’ve ended up on completely different sides of the city. However you should take every problem as an opportunity to grow: in this case, think about gaining that Durham bum.

you should take every problem as an opportunity to grow… that Durham bum

Q. Dear Violet, I literally want to murder one of the other students in my seminars. They never stop asking dumb questions and cannot stop vying for the professors’ attention. I’ve started getting migraines from rolling my eyes so frequently whenever they open their mouth to speak, please help me solve this! John Snow

A. Dearest sweetpea, I feel for you strongly and understand what a personal assault it must be on your intellect. I think it is deeply unfair that their disruptive behaviour has begun to cause you physical pain. I would suggest you start timing and recording the minutes that they waste, then send anonymous weekly invoices equivalent to the amount of time they have taken up. Although it’s extremely unlikely that you’ll actually gain any monetary compensation, the passive aggressive behaviour will certainly make them think twice next time and you’ll gain everyone’s endless admiration.

Q. Dear Violet, I can no longer afford the rent in this city. I have been forced to embrace Durham’s connection to Harry Potter and am currently living in the vacuum cleaner cupboard under my friend’s stairs. Please can you help me get back at my lousy landlord? St Aidan’s

A. Dear suffering reader, first and foremost, there is absolutely no shame in not being able to afford the rent in this city. Ordinarily, I would support any attempts to live in the magic of the Harry Potter books however this is completely absurd. My vote is for a student-led protest on the growing house prices, paired with how concerningly fast the student population is increasing. College is also ludicrously expensive and if only the university lowered the prices of college for you, poor darlings, would any landlords actually consider setting reasonable prices. 

perhaps have a sick bag at hand in case your delicate stomach is unable to process its rougher textures

Q. Dear Violet, An urgent matter for you. After the Polo Social we’ve run out of Dom Perignon (Jonty got absolute blotto) and unbelievably, Tesco doesn’t seem to stock it! It’s quite the predicament! Please send advice! Hild Bede

A Dear distraught reader, Thank you so much for sending in your query. I cannot imagine the trauma that you and the Polo guys are going through. It’s quite a difficult problem that you have proposed but I can only really suggest that you attempt drinking other beverages, have you ever encountered prosecco? It is a cheaper and much more readily-available type of sparkling wine. If you’re struggling to find some, try raiding through your alcohol collection and there will certainly be a dusty bottle you’ve never cared about before. If you’re trying it for the first time, perhaps have a sick bag at hand in case your delicate stomach is unable to process its rougher textures.

Q. Dear Violet, I accidentally wore my pair of normal shoes to Klute instead of my Klute shoes. Now they’re wrecked and my textbooks cost too much to justify buying any new shoes, how will I rectify this? South

A. Dear poor darling, It really is the worst occasion when you wear the wrong clothing to Klute and end up damaging all your favourite belongings. I think it’s completely valid to wear your soiled shoes to lectures and brunch with absolute pride – it is simply the mark of having made it into the worst nightclub in Europe and survived. Back in my day, we didn’t care about all this ‘fresh kicks’ business and the dirty Klute-ed shoes signified a night well done.

Got a question for Aunty Violet? Click here to fill out a form or post your letter to Ms Violet’s PO Box (fanmail and letters from unrequited lovers can also be directed here).

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