Ask Aunty Violet: “How do I get my family to accept Doxbridge?”

Legal disclaimer: any advice provided by Ms Violet is advisory only. Palatinate cannot take responsibility for any subsequent actions that may result in personal injury or intellectual distress 

Ms Violet’s New Year’s Resolution was to answer even more questions and just look at the success she’s having. Thank you dear readers for all your questions, we hope these answers are conducive to a new way of thinking about the world and provide hope for a better future.

Q. Dear Violet, My sister is doing her master at Cambridge and my younger brother is a fresh at Oxford. Every year in January, my family spends the month making fun of my rejection from Oxford. My parents even printed out and framed their Oxbridge offer emails to hang in my siblings’ rooms. How do I get my family to accept Doxbridge? Josephine Butler

A. Dearest Oxbridge Reject, I’m really sorry to hear that your family fail to see your potential for greatness at Durham University. January is a very difficult period for all Durham students, almost everyone can relate to the pain of receiving that rejection email and having to pretend it didn’t matter that we committed huge efforts towards the Oxbridge application. Please know that you are valid and will have a very successful career despite the pressures placed on by your family. We all know what you’re going through and are here for you.

Maybe treat your ‘gets’ to a nice coffee date and discuss your possible commitment for joining the 70% together

Q. Dear Violet, As a lesbian, it’s really difficult to meet people, we only have Osbournes on a Monday. I have no problem getting with people while I’m there but it never turns into a real relationship which is what I want. How do I do that? And preferably with another 2nd year, not any more first years. Van Mildert

A. Dear hunnie, It’s very upsetting that Durham contains so little in terms of opportunities for LGBTQ+ club nights. If there’s something we should all want to see in 2022, it should be the introduction of more gay nights in Durham. In my opinion, trying to get into a relationship is simply based on a whole lot of luck — as a Mildert student, you should know better than anyone that you have to kiss a lot of princesses to find your Fiona. Maybe treat your ‘gets’ to a nice coffee date and discuss your possible commitment for joining the 70% together. 

Q. Dear Violet, A Palatinate article just came out revealing that my college is the least popular out of all the colleges. I’ve never felt so betrayed in my life — all the freps told me to hate Trevs and JoBo but they’re placed above us on the rankings! I’m not sure that I even have the motivation to climb all of the steps to Aidan’s anymore. Please help me if you can! St Aidan’s

A. Dear Aidanite, Just remember: your college doesn’t make you, you make your college. I can only offer my condolences and at least you’ll (maybe) be out of college for next year so you can distance yourself from Aidan’s and those traumatic 85 stairs. In the meantime, please remember some positives about Aidan’s: you have a really nice view over the city, you’re getting regular exercise and fresh air, you’re isolated from everyone else (a positive in Covid times!). 

At a university home to over-achievers and supreme appreciators of culture, it’s fairly common to witness such displays of dominance

Q. Dear Violet, My dearly loved friend was invited to a party. All was going well until, to everyone’s amazement, he decided to whip out his french horn. He fiddled with it for a while then proceeded to play several songs, including the national anthem. I’m not sure if it was the best or the worst party I’ve ever been to, but Aunty Violet, how do I explain this to my neighbours? Grey

A. Dearest mild child, I’m afraid I honestly am not quite sure what your problem is, darling. This sounds like a perfectly reasonable occurrence at a house party — at a university home to over-achievers and supreme appreciators of culture, it’s fairly common to witness such displays of dominance. Besides, I’ve always argued that the National Anthem should be featured at least once at every communal gathering: not for patriotic reasons, I just like the tune. I’m sure your neighbours will understand, they’re extremely likely to be other students too and will understand the situation – let’s just hope you don’t live next to something important like the police station or pharmacy.

Q. Dear Violet, I’ve just found out my housemate swabs his nose before his mouth while doing an LFT. How do I explain to my landlord that I need immediate release from the contract without further fees due to these terrible circumstances? Please help, I currently can’t do an LFT without wanting to throw up from the thought of it all! Van Mildert

A. Dear suffering friend, I’m so sorry this has happened to you, and please don’t feel conflicted about taking these extreme measures. I suggest that you and any other housemates immediately flee the situation — any landlord is bound to understand why you need to depart from the house. Regarding your friendship with the said offender, I would propose that you minimise all contact and attempt to move on from this current life. They are not only a rule breaker, but also a threat to society and everything it means to be a student at one of the most prestigious universities in the UK. After two full years of a global pandemic, there really is no excuse.

Got a question for Aunty Violet? Click here to fill out an anonymous form or fasten your message to a carrier pigeon and bless its beak with holy water from Durham Cathedral to ensure safe passage.

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