A letter from…a second year to the freshers

By Ollie Mckenna

Dear Mr/Ms Fresher,
To put it quite bluntly, I have been rather disappointed by your overall contributions to university life so far.
I would like to reference two case studies. The first case in question, the infamous Grey College Darts Club (GCDC), a club with a decorated history of success as well as some very accurate ‘dartists’. I was informed by the GCDC president that the intake of freshers has so far been…one. Do tell me, how can a successful darts team be run without a flourishing crop of freshmen to be cultivated? In summary, it can’t. This is reflected in possibly one of the most shocking headlines of the incumbent academic year, “JOBO E team shock GCDC A team 7-1”. An indefensible result, which must be blamed on these lethargic level one students.
Secondly, I would like to cite a Frep – whose identity shall remain anonymous – who admitted to me that his group of younglings, were just, plain, boring. They don’t drink, they don’t go out, they don’t have fun.
So, what exactly do they do? This Frep confessed to me that he had certain members of his entourage shifting swiftly across campus to their 9am lectures. I’m not advocating that students shouldn’t attend their lectures, not explicitly anyway, but isn’t the precise purpose of Level One to ease you gently into the course, while you consume an abundance of alcoholic beverages midweek. Perhaps I’m mistaken, if so, I’m extremely lucky to call myself a second-year student. I do jest; I understand that university life can be stressful, but 9am attendance is an entity that is still foreign to me.
Perhaps there is an implicit truth, a structural unevenness; these freshers might argue that their growth has been somewhat stunted by that spiky ball coined SARS-CoV-2. I do lend some sympathy, just a tad. I was schooled in the pandemic, and I turned out just fine…I think.

Yours sincerely,
An avid darts fan/alcohol

Illustration: Verity Laycock

https://www.dunelm.org.uk/donations/palatinate

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