By Rupert Swallow
This morning, in a state rally to the citizens of Florida, Mr Trump announced the biggest change to the American electoral process since the 1st Amendment. Should he be elected, The Donald will instigate a game show-style electoral process in which hopeful president-elects will pitch policy ideas to him.
In his statement Trump said he would show the world his progressive side and “shakeup the old dusty system we’re shackled with right now.” He continued, “This is our chance to make America great. How better to do it than have 16 great candidates all competing to be the greatest?”
It is unknown as yet who would join Trump as advisor but the Republican party were swift to crush rumours that Arnold Schwarzenegger is getting on board, saying “There’s already enough testosterone in this campaign and anyway, the Trump brand is already strong enough, just look at the polls.” UK Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson has also been linked with the job but says he has “no ambitions in this direction whatsoever, alea iacta est and all that.” He travels to the US next week.
Cynics have said that Trump does not have any unbigoted policy plans and so this is an easy way for him to plagiarise fresh ideas from creative hard-working people. His supporters on the other hand say he is reaching out to the masses. A bystander commented “He knows we’re all more comfortable with a game-show format. Heck! I’ve been bored stiff with all this electoral chit-chat and anyone who makes this great democratic process of ours more accessible gets my vote for sure.” Mrs Clinton has said nothing of interest in response to this development, as usual.
In other news, Hillary Clinton, president elect of the Democrat party, is to have her heart removed and cryogenically frozen to ensure her longevity. Surgeons are nervous and questions have been asked about whether there is magnification equipment strong enough for the operation.
However, in a statement, her husband Bill Clinton denied that his wife was completely heartless, citing a time when she showed compassion and let him send emails on her computer. It is thought the replacement heart will be made of stone, since it is thought highly doubtful that this will cause any adverse side effects on her personality.
Photograph by DonkeyHotey