Listening is perhaps the most vital tool at human disposal

The ‘tongue myth’, with an air of factual confidence, assures us that the food manipulating organ is the strongest muscle in the human body relative to size. In fact, the jaw muscle, bum and heart are each more deserving of that accolade and the tongue is made up of sixteen muscles, not one.
Another myth is that the tongue is our most valuable asset in communication. Of course the world wide web or the printed word have far superseded speech. Even face to face, the tongue is outdone by body language, which transcends language barriers and constitutes a greater proportion of communication. Crucially, distracted by our tongues, our ears are being neglected.
We each deserve a voice; our words are equally valuable. Being heard is encouraging. When someone actually listens they show that they respect you. Talking freely is liberating. When you have the chance to say what you like you can see more clearly how you feel and what you want. When you can say what’s going on inside you’re able to see those thoughts in perspective and they can feel more manageable.
It is rare to find such opportunities. In an information guzzling, quick fix, chin up, ‘time is money’ society, what else is to be expected?
There are simple errors that we make while listening, which often originate from our approach. The person before me wants to talk. If I can make them say what they want to say I will be doing the right thing. Wrong. Are you certain you know what the other person wants to talk about? Even if you are, wouldn’t it be better to let them tell you what they want to in their own time? Wouldn’t it be nicer for them to feel in control?
My friend is in a difficult situation. Is giving them my advice the best thing I can do? While we can learn from one another and advice has its place we are all too quick to impart our wisdom. Advice can take away their responsibility and it gets in the way of them talking about what they want. If you have given them the answer what more is there to be said? Often there is no easy option, no obvious choice and it is arrogant to believe that we have the omniscience to always know what is right. Foolish to disregard the uniqueness of each situation and belittling to imply that their situation is similar to ours.
Besides the temptations of advising and problem solving, there are numerous other hindrances to listening. We might make assumptions or judgements, talk about ourselves, be impatient or let our concerns for the friend interfere. We might lack empathy.
Sometimes it doesn’t matter. At times, however, we are being told something that has never been told to anyone else, possibly a secret, a fear or a hope. Our response can change how someone feels, how someone thinks. On certain occasions our words can affect someone far beyond our comprehension.
When rightly we are eager for our voices to be heard, it is difficult to be mindful of the saying “nature has endowed us with two ears, two eyes and but one tongue to the end that we should hear more and see more than we speak”. It is important that we all have someone to turn to, confide in, who won’t compete to be heard. Nightline will always be there to listen.
Why would someone call? They might not want to burden their friends with their thoughts or maybe telling their friends wasn’t enough. Maybe their friends didn’t really listen. They may feel there is no one to talk to, no one to trust or to open up to without fear.
Someone might not want to be told what to do or they might want to rant or just call for a chat. Perhaps there are things on their mind or they just want someone’s attention, someone to try to understand how they feel.
If we do not listen we cannot understand and shouldn’t expect to be understood.
“To whoever was working on Nightline on Wednesday I was desperate to the verge of suicide and I was too embarrassed to talk to you, and your voice of enquiring and care made me realise I can cope. Thank you for my life.” Anonymous caller

Daniel Bird
Nightline Director
www.dur.ac.uk/nightline