By Elizabeth Briggs

Dear Mrs Elvet,
I am getting increasingly frustrated by pointless abbreviations.
It takes me longer to decipher what has been left out of a word, and thus to answer, than it would for the offender to give the proper English expression in the first place. I can follow the common ‘blates’ and ‘obvs,’ but the other day I was cooking for a friend who enquired whether ‘Tatty Dophs’ was on the menu. What cutting retort can I use to encourage her to drop this trying habit? Or should I just accept that the English language as we know it is on its way out?
(The dictionary – Chad’s College)

Oh honey, either respond with a frank ‘illiud Latine dici non potest’ (that can’t be said in Latin) and she is bound to use correct English to avoid the embarrassment of confessing that she doesn’t know basic schoolgirl
Latin (the eschewing silence might create tension, but it will avoid anymore awky momos in the future) or, suck it up and go with the flow. FYI the best languages are dead anyway.

Dear Mrs Elvet,
My housemate is a rower and therefore drinks copious amounts of milk. As our house works on a rota system, I feel like I’m giving more than I’m getting. Any suggestions?
(Penniless – Trevs College)

This season is all about ‘the home-grown cottage effect,’ so buy a cow to keep in the garden. It’s so Joules.

Dear Mrs Elvet,
With the April Showers on the way, I think I need some new shoes to tackle the puddles. Hunters are getting frightfully common, but as far as I know they’re the only wellingtons that exist.
(Shoeless – St. Mary’s College)

My dear, I quite understand your predicament. Personally, I think it most rude to your tutors to enter a classroom in farming attire. Is it versatile footwear that you wish to invest in? If so, I recommend the highest platforms
Office can sell- your toes will be well above water-level and they can be worn at night too, which can only be said for gum boots during snow storms in Studio. Otherwise, go for roller skates. Not only will you move quicker, but you’ll splash everyone else in the process.

Dear Mrs Elvet,
I’m pretty keen to get my hands on some Bailey Stash next year- they seem to be the thing to wear around Elvet these days, regardless of whether you’re particpating in sport or not. Which Society would you suggest I join?
(Wannabe socialite – Jospephine Butler)

You are perfectly entitled to invent your own society and get an elaborate series of initials embroidered upon your right leg – it seems all the rage, nowadays.
Consider, for example, ‘DUCPSC,’ which a chosen few can identify as standing for ‘Durham University Clay Pigeon Shooting Club.’ I would sincerely
like to know at what stage of their Sunday morning proceedings a warm up in need of tracksuits bottoms takes place – presumably somewhere in the narrow gap between Spennymoor cooked breakfasts and The Seven Stars’ pub lunch.