Mrs Elvert sorts you out
By Eleri Watson
Dear Mrs Elvet,
I’ve trawled the nightclubs of North Road and the Bailey, I’ve charted the college bars from Butler to Hild Bede, but my dear Mrs Elvet, there’s no one quite like you. I keep your (incredibly attractive) picture in a frame next to my bed, I admire your complexion as pearly white as paper for hours on end, I read your advice so ardently that I’ve lost all hope in the rest of the female Durham student population. Oh! Woe is me! Mrs Elvet, save me from this torment, please do me the honour of being my Valentine?
Don Juan – St John’s
Oh your words are but mere flattery… but it is nice to see that my new beauty regime doing me some good. Now Mr Juan, as much as I admire the boldness of your proposition, you must understand some things about me. I am a woman of the world and enjoy the finer things in life. I will not be satisfied with a box of Milk Tray and a bottle of Lambrini; as the Spice Girls so eloquently put it, ‘if you want to be my lover, you gotta get with my friends’ Moët & Chandon. So, if you would like to be considered (I have had many other offers) please send a copy of your latest bank statement along with a bottle of Dom Pérignon directly to Palatinate and I will reply to your request in due course.
Dear Mrs Elvet,
My problem is written all over my clothes. I just don’t have that ‘Durham look’. I don’t own lobster red chinos and I don’t have a wardrobe full of gillets. I don’t even have a cable knit jumper. I like trainers and jeans, I might even go as far as a fleece. You seem like a woman who knows her way around a man’s clothes, how can I learn to fit-in with my friends who seem to have the look down to a tee?
Sartorial novice – Grey
My darling I may not be Gok Wan but I do like to think that I can help you gain that Durham ‘je ne sais quoi’. To begin, forget your prejudices, red chinos, (whilst they may remind one of certain crustaceans) draw the eye to the leg and away from the unfortunate face of the wearer – benefitting all involved. Secondly, if gilets aren’t for you, consider a rugby shirt to highlight your home county pedigree. Finally to cement your Durhamite look, but that cable knit jumper to good use, place it around your neck JW logo on show- being from a hill college, the ladies need to be reassured that you’ve got at least a little cash in the bank.
Dear Mrs Elvet,
I’ve found myself in a rather sticky situation; I’m at Durham and I’ve just discovered I’m a feminist. I’m in such a minority, how am I to deal with this? Am I shaming my college by reading Germaine Greer? How will I ever tell my friends? Help!
Desperate – Castle
My dear, whilst this is something I’ve not really come across before in Durham, and there’s nothing much I can do about your condition; I can offer a few tips. First and foremost, make sure to time your nights out around the rugby/football club socials, they’ll temper your mind back into its true Durham state. Secondly, whilst I appreciate you contacting me with such a horrific problem, do not tell your friends, our sacred Palace Green will not become Greenham Common.
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