by Eleri Watson

indigo’s very own Agony Aunt solves all your problems

Dear Mrs Elvet,

I was in Studio the other night when I was grinded upon by the most obliging of chaps. We have now been together almost a week and are very much in love. One hitch, he is, dare I say, a ‘Butlerite’! To make matters worse, he’s living in college. We’ve talked it over but I’m not so sure we can make this long-distance thing work…(Lovelorn – Hatfield)

Oh honey, I know your dilemma all to well. I’m embarrassed to admit that I once had a boyfriend at Collingwood. Let’s just say my heels and my dignity were both in tatters after that horrific commute. Give it up now and save your Louboutins, the trek isn’t worth it, even for the most reciprocal of men.

Dear Mrs Elvet,

Where is the library? I’m a third year and I’ve yet to find this mythical place.  I hear they have a room of journals and magical moving bookshelves! (Currently searching – Hild Bede)

If Legally Blonde taught me anything it was that you only need a sweet attitude and some damn nice shoes to get a degree. Stay as you are, the library doesn’t need you.

Dear Mrs Elvet,

There’s no easy way to say this but, I’ve run out of clean clothes. I like to think that I’m a man of the world – I read The Spectator you know – but I can’t seem to get to grips with these confounded washing machines! I’ve worn my tweed suit for the past week and I think my fruity odour is attracting the wrong sort of lady. Help! (Ripe for a wash – Mary’s)

Darling, I’ve never washed a thing in my life. If God wanted me to wash clothes he wouldn’t have brought Consuela into my life.  Get hiring! But in the meantime, do some serious damage to Daddy’s credit card. The only thing less attractive than a ‘ripe’ gentleman is a working-class accent.

Dear Mrs Elvet

There’s been talk lately about the number of bed partners a respectable lady should have in her life. An overachiever in every field let’s just say my “scoring” has been on the high side. With a reputation to consider, how high is too high? (Counting – Collingwood)

My dear girl, am I to imply from your question that you have been rather promiscuous!? Think of men as chocolate cake, treat yourself every once in a while and stop counting calories!